Keeper of the Things

I’m not a bad mom. This is what I tell myself as my husband and I are driving home from a short anniversary getaway. I’m not a bad mom because I don’t want to go home. I’m a mom who endures a lot of stress to care for children who have additional needs. I’m afraid to have to face my “normal” again after a few days of respite. The closer we drive towards our home, the more the anxiety builds. I’m overwhelmed. How could the peace and rest I felt just a few moments ago all be gone by simply thinking of returning home? My brain begins to go through the days and hours of the upcoming week and all that has to be done. The therapies, doctor appointments, stuff at work, an upcoming IEP meeting...I feel the stress of having to remember all “the things.” When I became a mom, I also somehow took on the role of “keeper of the things.” I know when the homework is due and that we still haven’t turned in the permission slip for the field trip. I know where the kids’ favorite shirts are and that my oldest daughter doesn’t like to put hers in the dryer. I know what we’re having for dinner on Thursday and that I have just enough time to run to the store on Monday after work is done and before dinner is started to get the groceries. But as a special needs mom, the title “keeper of the things” feels heavier than I ever imagined. It’s knowing that a particular song will trigger my daughter. It’s knowing where the IEP binder is and what specific lingo to say when the doctor, therapist, teacher, extended family member, friend, church goer (the list goes on) tries to tell me how to parent my special needs child. It’s knowing how to correctly restrain my small son so that he doesn’t injure himself or anyone in our family when he becomes violent. It’s knowing how to “work the system” to get the help we need because the system itself is overworked. It’s feeling guilty because I just want some time alone. It’s feeling disappointed in myself because once again I forgot to schedule that important doctor's appointment. 

But I’m not a bad mom. I’m a mom who is thankful for a Savior who foresaw my flaws and still wanted to have an intimate friendship with me. I’m a mom who needed forgiveness for her sins and who found that in Jesus. I’m a mom who knows a life of suffering but who wouldn’t trade it in for anything because this messy life is beautiful and worth the pain. Am I a bad mom? No, but I am a beautifully flawed mom who loves her two special needs kiddos more than anything. 

 
My prayer to all the beautiful flawed mommas (and papas): 
 

God, we thank you for the gift of life. We thank you for entrusting us with our children. Even when we don’t feel like we’re doing it right, Lord, we know that you are with us. Your Word says you will never leave us or forsake us. So, Lord, I pray that we remember that in our times of suffering. When the testing results come back and they’re not what we want to hear. When our children’s future doesn’t look bright. When we don’t know how we will survive another day. God, I pray that we will be reminded that we are not alone. That the God who created the heavens, skies and seas is with us. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, you are faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” So, Lord, we confess that we’re messing up. That sometimes we think, say, and do things that are not pleasing to you. Please forgive us for these sins, God. We know that you are good and faithful. Father, we come to you exhausted and weary. I ask that you carry our anxieties far away. Lift our burdened hearts and give us peace knowing that you, Creator of all, are in control. Help us to delight in our children and see the blessings when the burdens seem so large. Lastly, God, we just thank you. Thank you for sustaining us when we couldn't see the light. Thank you for loving us when we act unlovable, and thank you for creating our special needs children who teach us new life lessons every day. We love you. In Jesus name, Amen.